it’s not a big deal, i promise.
i can ask the questions myself:
who am i
or at least, what do i want.
i want someone.
and then i won’t want someone,
i’ll want my room and the soft glow
of people talking to other people
and i just watch
and say it with them.
i’ll want the bitter orange burn
and the spaced out laugh
talk to myself, talk to my recorder
talk to the computer
write it out
now it’s something
now you’re something

i found a recording from last april
and it’s nineteen minutes and thirty-four seconds long
and includes a verbal confession of 

i found a recording from last july
and it’s three minutes and thirteen seconds long
practicing my stand-up set
jokes about things girls said to me last summer
to make me see they wanted to fuck me
do you eat pussy?
you could have grabbed my ass last night
i want to strap your face to my vagina

i laugh trying to tell the jokes
they’re not funny
i laugh trying to talk about things
they’re not funny

i’m sitting behind the couch
looking at everyone’s heads
it’s alright
i’m here but not right here
i’m such a spectator
it’s not a big deal, i promise.
i can ask the questions myself:
why don’t i want to be me?